It wasn’t a greater cause that kept me going my dearest friend, it was the sheer terror inside my heart, I was not courageous, I was fear driven and no higher motivation ever led my decisions. The truth is I never connected to the world around me, to the people in it, to the little things or the moment. But if I ever ran in the middle of night to ease your tears, if when you felt sick I washed your clothes and if I ever bought you food, it’s because I have no other way to show you my gratitude for being around me, that I consider you a friend.
And if I ever done you wrong, I must apologise. My intentions have never been wicked, they have only been driven, like my whole life, by fear. If I ever done you wrong it was because I’m not connected to the things around me anymore. I like passing by but never leave my mark anywhere.
I don’t want to be remembered. I don’t want to exist. I’m the space between what I’d like to be and what others made of me. Just let me be at ease, let me vanish into thin air, let me disappear between the cracks on the wooden floor of an apartment, where the lights are off and the sound of someone’s slippers on the hall reminds me that I don’t exist.
Today I’m mixed up, like someone who thought something and then lost it.
Today I’m torn between the allegiance I owe to the kindness I received and something real outside me.
It’s almost as I’ve lived a thousand lives, as If thousands of demons curled up in my heart and fell asleep. And If I ever done you wrong, I must apologise, it is them who woke up.
I don’t know who I am, because the truth is I’ve never been anywhere. I only came to the world to set up the props for a tragedy.
Dear friend, I just want you to be happy. I want everybody to know the warmth of your smile, to feel the way I felt when I was at your presence.